Everyone is right… it gets easier every day. It really does. (Even though in some deep moments, it doesn’t feel like it will.)
I think I like this kid more and more everyday. She’ll be 2 weeks tomorrow and the difference is amazing. She really is developing a personality. I can tell what her faces mean, and she has a ton of cute faces. While I like her most moments, there are still times where I feel so defeated. It can be in moments of her screaming and moments of silence. Generally when she’s screaming it’s easier to push on because I’ll try every method to settle her. Much to my sadness, we’re using the pacifier. She just needs to suck some times and with my Milk over-supply, It’s easiest to give her that than sit and listen to her scream like she’s hungry. Her wails exhaust me and make me sad. But, before I know it she’ll be a month old and soon enough growing into a real person…I can’t wait to see what she’s like…
Well, phase 1 of being alone. Mom left today. Of course I cried when she left. I didn’t say the things I wanted when she left, but… such it is in a vulnerable emotional state.
I’ve decided i’m going to try to blog every day, even if it’s a small post. I need to normalize my feelings. When mom left today, it felt suddenly so real. Kyle and I… we’ve got no idea what we’re doing. We’re learning as we go (as is Nora) So when Mom left, it was suddenly like “OMG everyone who knows what they’re doing has abandoned us!” although I know that’s not true. I still feel incredibly unprepared for all of this…. I’m scared for Monday to come, when Kyle will go back to work, and I’m here all day by myself. (well, actually all week)
Last night we had a bit of a cry melt down on Nora’s part. she just wouldn’t settle down. I got frustrated and luckily my mom was there. Nora just needed to suck, and we introduced the pacifier. It quieted her down immediately, so, I guess I’m ok with. I’m trying to approach parenthood as “doing what works best for us” instead of “doing what people tell you is best” I’m making it work for us.
But, I’m happy to report, that today with the help of a nipple guard (For shape) Nora and I were able to successfully breastfeed for 15 minutes on each side! WE DID IT! I’m so proud. Now, I know we may have some slip ups still, but at least today I feel like I can give it a try….
Well, although the mommy feelings aren’t running full force, I at least feel better putting out my feelings. When preparing for a baby… they don’t tell you how it really is. I mean they talk about postpartum and blah blah blah, but what they don’t tell you is “Hey, you may not like your baby 24hrs a day, and that’s ok” There are times where I’m not sure what the hell is going on (like… RIGHT NOW) but, that’s ok. She also wants to be snuggled… A LOT. which can be very stressful because sometimes I just want to be alone.
Well, *deep breath* we will make it. Before we know it, she’ll be a little person and more than a pooping, eating, cry machine.
The last few days have been a whirl wind for me. Some physically but mostly emotionally. I’m having trouble feeding. I just can’t get the hang of it, and Nora sleeps so much that you have to wake her up to get her to feed. My milk is finally coming in, but it’s a physiological problem on my part. My nipple and her mouth just.. don’t… go together. It’s very frustrating and emotionally exhausting. And people can tell me over and over again that this is normal, but I don’t feel normal…
When I look at Nora… I just see this baby. I mean I know she’s mine, and I feel such great connection, but I feel emotionally….detached? I guess is the best way to describe it. I have such overwhelming love and joy for her one minute, and then the next I just feel void. I know these feelings are normal in the first week or so and that i need to watch for them after that…. But I wonder when I look at her sleeping, and feel nothing… Am I ever going to be a good mother? Am I really going to be able to love this thing?
My mother is leaving tomorrow and I’m scared. On Monday I’m going to have to go at this alone…. Kyle is so great at getting her to feed, and I’m just hooking myself up like a cow to a machine. Rationally this means nothing, I know. But I feel so ill-suited for this job.
I know I’ll get through this… I’m just wondering how many more times can I get away with crying in the shower?
Well, Kyle and I woke up at 5 a.m. Doddered out of the bedroom and just kind of stood around, not sure what to do. So, I’ve showered, but put my pjs back on. I figure what the hey, i’ll just have to change. But Silly enough, I blow dried my hair. Why? I dunno, because I didn’t know what else to do. So here we are, it’s 5:40 a.m. and we’re going to go get pancakes at Dennys and then over to Clarian North.
Please be praying for us. It is such a scary but joyous day. Love you guys. Will update when we’re settled at the Hospital.
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8:00 a.m: well, i’m all hooked to the I V. all i can say is ow!!!! 
my Nurse is Erin. she seems nice. Mom is about to leave Peoria. she said “go ahead without me” LOL like I’m going to wait. Erin is hooking me up to the pitocin now. I guess I wont feel contractions for a bit? so i’m good for a while. i’m planning on an epidural a little later. Well… Elizabeth (the chaplain I worked for over the summer) just prayed. I hope she comes by and sees me. I’m gonna log off for now. i’ll be back soon.
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9:00 am: well, Doc broke my water… it was pretty nasty. lol. i’m starting to feel some contractions, but nothing painful. i’m 100% thinned out, 2.5 cm dilated and at station -1. so we’re trying to get to 4 cm and that’s apprently the longest stage. i think i;m going to try to nap now. we’ll see how this goes.
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10:20 am: This is Kyle, continuing the live-blogging of Jill’s labor. Around 9:30, her contractions became much stronger and her pain level rose to barely tolerable levels. She decided to begin the process of receiving an epidural. Our nurse told her it’d take 20 minutes to prepare her before the anesthesiologist could perform the procedure. It got a bit hairy.
She has received her epideral now though and is currently dining on moonbeams. I was asked to leave by Dr. W (the anesthesiologist). I sat outside the door and read, though I heard the whole thing. At one point Jill excliamed “Insert bad word here!” to which the doc and the nurse replied, “Go ahead an say bad words; we hear them all the time.” Jill held onto her gentile nature though and moderated her language.
When I came back in, she described her condition as “drunk, like I’ve had a lot of wine” and her legs as “giant sausages”. She’s definitely on drugs. She ought to be sleeping right now, but continues to make remarkable observations like the need for the hospital to decorate the ceiling, that her nurse has nice arms, and the anesthesiologist was “really cool”.
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1:45 pm: Jill is now about halfway to being where the doctor wants her cervix to be. Jill’s mom arrived an hour ago and we’ve been hanging out, waiting for things to proceed. It’s odd how hectic things seemed when we arrived early this morning. Machines were beeping, cuffs were squeezing, nurses were passing in and out. Commotion was the order of the hour. Now things are more sedate, caught in the waiting game. One to two centimeters/hour promises progress, but at a maddeningly slow pace.
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3:05 pm: Jill’s measuring at 8 cm. This puts her on the fast track to getting this baby out. She’s beginning to feel excessive pressure in her nether regions and an overwhelming desire to push. She was complaining of pain so Dr. W came back in and redosed her epidural. Jill’s still talking about pain, but it seems to be more of the pain you might have when you flex a muscle for an extended period of time without giving it a chance to relax as opposed to sharp, stabbing pains. Either way, it probably won’t be too much longer until it’s pushing time. The nurse is currently setting up the various instruments so there won’t be any delay when Jill’s finally ready.
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5:08 PM: A star is born. Nora Grace Issleb, 8lbs 12oz, was born at 4:14pm on November 10, 2009 (11/10/09 for the uninitiated). at about 3:30, Jill started feeling extreme pressure and the nurse felt it was time to start pushing. The labor began at 3:45 and proceeded at breakneck speed. Everyone in the room was shocked at Jill’s sheer determination to have the kid out of her.
Nora came into the world with a shock of dark hair and a scream I can only describe as crow-like. She also opened her eyes perhaps 1 minute after delivery and hasn’t closed them yet. The nurse noticed that she has some very wide feet (a trait that rings true both maternally and paternally). Her cawing soon stopped though and she has proven exceptionally quiet, aside form sucking sounds. If she’s anything like her mother, she’s hungry. And if she’s anything her father, she’s hoping the milk is chocolate flavored.
Pictures will be posted…eventually.
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9:15p.m. whoa. I’m tired. this is jill again. Nora is beautiful. Big cheeks. adorable. pictures will be posted tomorrow. She just sits there quiet unless she’s hungry. it’s awesome. sorry i’m not more interesting. just really tired. lol. when she crys she sounds like the count from seaseme street… she’s so awesome. alright. i love you all.
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Today’s post may be boring, but poo on ya’ll it’s more about me anyway. 
8:30 a.m. Today is Monday, the last day for me as a “non” mommy. It’s so strange to think as early as tomorrow afternoon I may have this thing in my arms.. this thing that has possessed by body. I’ve had such a weird disconnected feeling from my body. And Maybe that’s good? Maybe that’s how I’ve been able to last this long? Who knows?
So, I will be simply waiting today, for tomorrow…. I wonder what I Should do…. Pedicure? Manicure? Shopping? Napping?
But for now, I will start my day with a meeting at Church about Advent (lol) and an appointment with my Therapist at 11.
Stay Tuned…..
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2:00 p.m. Well, I actually had a very productive and positive meeting at church. It seems my ideas for Advent season/decorations were well received and everything should be set to start in 2 weeks. Only thing is the woman made fun of me for saying I’d be back to church on the 29th (start of Advent). She said I wouldn’t want to leave my baby yet. Well, unfortunately I must be there for the Advent season, which starts on the 29th. So, I will do what I Must.
I then went to my therapist appointment. I really like going to therapy. It helps me process my emotions and I really feel like it is an important tool to help me grow as a human! Since I was overwhelmed when I left my appointment, instead of going straight home, I went to the bookstore (where I work at School) and just hung out there chatting for an hour. I was a good time. My Boss is so supportive. She’s one of those really great ladies in my life. I think i’ll actually miss working these next few weeks.
On my way home I was so hungry, so I got Arbys. WHy? BEcause it’s my last day pregnant and I can! LOL
So Now I’m watching PBS, and relaxing. I think a nap is in order. Or maybe a Pedicure? I should do either before Hubby gets home from work in 1.5 hours.
Stay Tuned…
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4:30 p.m. I opted nap. Not a good Choice. Ivy was all over me. I think she was trying to help me go into labor. So I got up after a very restless hour. Hmm…. what should I make for dinner? I dunno.
Stay Tuned…
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7:45 p.m. Well, we’ve got less than 12 hrs till show time. Here’s a recap of what’s happened since I last posted. Kyle got home around 5:30ish with a present from his co-workers at St. Gab. It was really nice of them. I’ll try to remember to send a thank you card, but that just may not happen. So Kyle and I debated back and forth abotu dinner. We eventually decided we were just too tired, so we’d go out. Yes, it seems we’ve been out a lot lately, but soon we wont be. So we had burgers at Red Robin. We had a fairly deep convo about my childhood and my feelings. We finished up and I just got sadder and sadder (which has happened a lot lately)
So we get home exactly at 7. 12 hrs to show down. Commence mental break down. I cried and cried into Hubby’s shoulder about everything I’m scared of. Of being a parent, of loosing her, myself, my husband etc. Just in case you haven’t picked up, I’m worry-er. I’m a What-ifer. Life in general scares the crap out of me and I never believe in myself. Kyle was sweet and just hugged me and let me cry.
So, now it’s now. And back to business. There are several things I’d like to have done before we leave in the morning, including the laundry (clean sheets for the soon to be grandmas) and vacuum. So, I’m in my jammies, with a headache from crying, trying not to think about the upcoming day.
Stay Tuned (as i’m sure I wont be sleeping much)…
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8:30 p.m. Commence eating Ice Cream. YUM!
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10:00 p.m. Well, I’m going to stop blogging for the night. I may end up having to get out of bed because I can’t sleep. I’m so anxious/excited/scared. Maybe I’ll get some sleep. Who knows? But, I’ll see you in the morning folks.
This baby girl likes to dance to Bob Marley and Gospel music. She’s so awesome. She’ll have fun next semester in gospel choir with me.
Only a few more days. Watch for My Semi-live blogging!
A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on. ~Carl Sandburg
Well, we are in the count down. 8 days till my due date (Friday the 13th) but I’m going to have her before that. Today is my 39w appointment and I’ll schedule my induction for this week provided my Dr. is available for that day. But, I’ll be having her some time next week. I’m useless at school as I just don’t give a poo about any of it anymore.
So, This coming week I’ll have had a baby. I plan on blogging my experience, so watch for that coming up.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Which means I inch ever closer to my due date. I WILL have a baby by the next reading week (Thanksgiving)
On Friday I had my 36week appt. My new OB checked me and I’m not going into labor anytime soon. So now I just play the waiting game. But, We did go ahead and plan that I’d be induced on November 20th if I haven’t gone into labor by then. They say your maternal history is a good indicator of your own chances, and My mother was 10 days late on both my sister and I. Although mom told me they weren’t sure of Amanda’s due date exactly (Ultrasounds were new back then) But by the time I came around they were better, and I was 10 or 11 days late. So, It’s probably good to have a “need to be induced” plan in place.
It’d actually be really cool if she were induced then. This is selfish, I know, but I’d have that whole next week off of classes and my mom would have half that week off already as would Kyle. So despite the fact that I’m ready to move to the next stage of parenthood, I hope this is what will happen.
But, lately, my heart has been heavy. I think I always have these feelings, but they’re bubbling up to the surface because of the upcoming labor. I am Homesick.
Not homesick in the sense of “I miss Peoria” or “I miss Chicago” it’s not about the places. I couldn’t care less about the geographical location. (Although I do love Chicago)
It’s the family. Kyle and I here in Indy…. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am doing what I am called to do, and when I’m with patients and their families, the world is right for me….. but I realize more and more than we’re alone in this city. We don’t really have much of a support system. If something were to happen to Kyle, I’ll be alone. Even the few people at school that I’ve truly gotten close to, live several hours away. It makes staying in school very difficult.
Well, We’re in the count down folks. So to steal a line from a favorite Professor (Bernie Lyon)….
Here we go…..
